According to Marshall Rosenberg’s book, “Nonviolent Communication,” we deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves, such as…

1. Vague interpersonal forces: “I just had to relax instead of doing my chores”

2. Our condition, diagnosis, or personal psychology: “I am too busy to go to meetings”

3. The actions of others: “My boyfriend was being a jerk”

4. The dictates of authority: “My mom needed my help tonight”

5. Group pressure: “My friends wanted me to come out with them instead”

6. Institutional policy: “I had to work so I couldn’t go to a meeting”

7. Gender roles: “I had to get my nails done…”

8. Uncontrollable urges: “I just couldn’t make it tonight”

Acting as if your choices are beyond your control is a way to avoid responsibility. Watching for these types of attributions helps us to build our personal responsibility and accountability.

Instead of denying responsibility, it may be helpful to consider and describe the feelings you have about your actions or inactions:

“I am confused by the chore requirements and am nervous to ask for help”

“I am overwhelmed by my tight schedule, and I made work my priority over my recovery”

“I feel pressured to make my boyfriend happy”

“I feel obligated to meet my mom’s request more than the house rules requirement”

“I am concerned that my friends might think I’m lame if I go to meetings”

“I am nervous about asking to leave work in time to make it to the meeting”

“I feel unlovely and wanted to meet a beauty standard I have set for myself”

“I am exhausted and I didn’t have the energy to take actions for my recovery”

Describing feelings gives us a place to get curious about WHY we are making the choices we are making. We can then address the feelings and consider how we might work with them in the future.

Part of being in recovery is taking an active role in our emotional life

🍂You are not a leaf in the wind of your circumstances🍂