Watch: Enabling Part 2: How We Get Stuck

Part 2 of our enabling series is now live on YouTube. Recovery Specialist Jason Farmer focuses on how we get stuck in these patterns and what we need to do in order to change them. Please subscribe to our channel to be notified every time we upload new resources, give the video a “thumbs up” and share.

How does enabling keep a relationship dynamic stuck in a holding pattern? And that could be a relationship dynamic of two people, of a family, of a friend group.

What's coming forward is conditioning. How am I conditioning this relationship? What do I want out of this relationship? What does the other people in the relationship want or need? And how am I participating in the evolution of the relationship? Because what is true is all relationships evolve, especially with people and families and friend groups that are dealing with an intense situation, like substance use or mental health challenges. We all want to show up in a certain way, and sometimes we can get really stuck in how we show up, because the way we show up does something for us. Who doesn't want to be the person that gets a pat on the back because they helped someone out? That feels really good, and sometimes it's really good in the moment.

But if I'm conditioning a relationship to require some sort of support that I have to offer, then I'm in the driver's seat and I'm not letting the relationship evolve. I'm not letting it grow into what it's meant to be. And unfortunately with people experiencing mental health challenges and experiencing substance use disorder, it gets even more tricky. I mean, because we can do those things in just normal, everyday family dynamics without these extra challenges. But when these challenges are in play, it requires that much more attention to, how am I showing up? And brings this back to, am I in right relationship with what's needed in this relationship? Is the relationship line current?

Am I able to say, "Hey, I think we need to get current in our relationship line." Can I say, "Hey, there's something really important I want to talk about. Is now a good time?" "Maybe I can't drive you to your appointments all of the time anymore, because I have to get back to my own life." And I feel guilty about saying no. When I'm not in right alignment, when my integrity isn't in right alignment with myself saying when I can and can't support, how I can and can't show up, then that is a breeding ground for resentment. And anyone who has any experience in the recovery world knows that resentment is the relationship killer, every single time.

I guess what's coming to me is the enabling behavior breeding resentment because I'm not in right alignment. And I get that it just keeps bringing it back to, am I in right alignment with my integrity within this relationship line, along these relationship lines?